Shitbirds on Parade (the ongoing adventures of doing production for No talent fukwads)







We get a lot of production work here at RoughCuts, and we get a lot of twats asking for us to remix or master their work. What follows is a small piece of the stupidity that passes as artistic endeavors.















Client: “yo we want you to remix our tunz boi, you got da skillz G”
Me: “how many tracks is your song?”
Client: “what are tracks?”

Client: “I need you to make me sound like Peter Murphy”
Me: “then you need singing lessons and a sex change”

Client: “ my drums sound soft and quiet in this mix can you make them more meaner?”
Me: “ you have not given me any drums yet.”
Client: “yes but I want them more louder”

Client: “we like the Metallica guitar sound how can we get that?”
Me: “does your guitar player use real guitars and amps?”
Client: “we don’t have a guitar player.”

Client: “we like your work can you remix our song if we will tell everybody how great you are?”
Me: “ I generally like to be paid for my work the word of mouth comes after.”
Client: “ we have no money to pay you buying clothes and drugs takes all our cash, the drugs are so expensive ”
Me: “can you pay me in broken promises and children’s’ tears?”
Client: “ are those some new designer drugs?”

Client: “if I send you mp3s will that be ok for the remix?”
Me: “ you want to send me mp3s of your multi-track recording?”
Client: “we don’t have tracks we have songs”

Client: “how much does a remix cost if we supply the tracks and the songs?”
Me: “as opposed to me supplying the tracks and the songs…?”
Client: “yea we will give u the songs how much for you to make us cool electronic terror EBM?”

Client: “so if you dont want take part is this exciteing oportunity plenty other bands will, we are a world known leader in Musical electronic Music, we dont have taime to wait for you to think either accept now or you will miss this chance…”
Me: “ thank you for the offer but we just can’t take part in your musical music project we are fully booked, best of luck.”

Client: “the guitar sounds too acoustic we want it to sound more electric.”
Me: “it is an acoustic guitar track, if you wanted it to sound electric why did you use an acoustic guitar?”
Client: “ that’s your job right? Make it sound like an electric what are we paying you for?”

Client: “ can you make me sound like Michael Jackson?”
Me: “No.”

Client: “ I want this song to be huge and powerful and really scary like Alice Cooper, how does he do that?”
Me: “talent.”

Client: “ our band has a cd coming out in Nov can you remix a song for us?”
Me: “ depending on some small contractual details and time maybe, which one do you want remixed?”
Client: “ which one do you like?”
Me: “ I have not heard any songs yet can you send me some files?”
Client: “ oh we have not recorded it yet, but you can choose anyone you want…”
Me: “ I like the one about robots and vampires dancing with witches in wooden shoes and floppy hats.”
Client: “?”



To be continued...